list #1

i'm mildly obsessed with these list jokes. once in a while i'll send them to other people but i cant help thinking that no one else laughs at them cos they're pretty lame, and i laugh at lame jokes. ok.

TOUGHEST FINAL EXAM
Instructions
Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

Medicine
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Public Speaking
2500 riot-crazed aboriginies are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Biology
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if the form of life had developed 50 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

Music
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Psychology
Based on your knowledge of their works evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodites, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man’s work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

Sociology
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Engineering
The dissassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Economics
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas. Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in you answer to the last question.

Political Science
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on it socio-political effects if any.

Epistemology
Take a postion for or against truth. Prove the validity of your postion.

Physics
Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Astronomy
Define the universe. Give three examples.

General Knowledge
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

WORST ANALOGIES FROM HIGH SCHOOL ESSAYS

1)She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

2)The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

3)McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

4)From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

5)Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

6)Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake

7)Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

8)He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

9)The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

10)Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”

11)Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

12)John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

13)The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

14)His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free

15)The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.